20 December 2022 / Cornhusker Handicap / 5:30 a.m. / Stinson Park / 7 degrees (feels like -11) / Wind N 12 mph / Cold
PRE-RUNNERS (?): There looked to be about three prerunners, but I couldn’t see their faces because they were wisely wrapped in winter gear.
PAX (22): Armbar, Touche, Sandy Cheeks, Sputnik, Tight Lip, Sparty, Othello, Hooah (respect), Caruso (respect x2), Polaroid, Good Lookin’, Black Jack, E-85, Patchy Adams, Bobsled, U-Haul, Toad Stool, Stitches, Ozark (respect), Garfield, Rancid, and Gator.
QIC: Gator
Ozark and I arrived around 5:07 a.m. With the temperature a balmy 7 and a strong wind, we headed to the parking garage to set up. We found some not-so-windy spots on the first and second levels. We then went to Stinson Park to set up some cones and plant the Festivus pole (Hard Hat made this for me last year and it is truly fine craftsmanship – thanks HH!). It was 5:22, so Ozark and I decided to wait in his car while the rest of the PAX arrived.
This was my first time at Cornhusker Handicap. Lots of new faces and some of my West Omaha brothers also made the trip! Patchy Adams came all the way from Waterloo!
When it was 5:30 a.m., the Q placed the Festivus pole inside our circle and welcomed 22 PAX to F3, which stands for Fitness, Fellowship, and Faith.
The Q covered the mission statement of F3, our credo, and the following five core principles: We are:
1) Free of Charge
2) Open to All Men
3) Always Outside (nice echo from the PAX!)
4) Peer-Led in a Rotating Fashion (nice echo from Ozark!) and
5) Always End in a COT
No FNGs. Not a professional.
I asked if anyone had seen the Seinfeld Festivus episode. About half the PAX raised their hands.
The Q then recited the Story of Festivus: (also available here)
Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had – but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way! While the doll was destroyed, a new holiday was born. “A Festivus for the rest of us!”
Much like F3, Festivus has 5 core principles:
(1) There must be a six-foot metal Festivus pole. There is no tree. The pole requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
(2) The celebration always begins with The Airing of Grievances.
(3) There is always a Festivus Meal.
(4) Festivus is not over until someone wins the Feats of Strength.
(5) And there is always a Festivus Miracle.
We would also do some burpee trivia: correct answers result in Bobby Hurley’s, while incorrect answers would cause us to do Burpees. In honor of the 9 glorious seasons of Seinfeld, we would do 9 reps.
Then we moseyed out to the frosty grass for…
Festivus-A-Rama
• 9 IC “Man Hand Claps” (aka Overhand Claps; Jerry broke up with a girl once because she had “man hands”)
• 9 IC “Puddy Pickers” (aka cherry pickers; homage to David Puddy’s double-thumbed point to his 8-ball jacket)
• 9 IC “Elaines” (aka goofballs; Elaine is known for her goofy dancing)
Lots of the PAX had fun with this one, but our man Ozark could give Elaine a run for her money on the dance floor!
• 9 “Georges” (aka Bobby Hurley’s; pretending to be a marine biologist, George pulled a golf ball from the blowhole of a beached whale)
• 9 IC “Chicken Humpers” (aka monkey humpers while flapping your arms; Frank Costanza’s fowl question about Roosters, Chickens, and Hens)
Question #1:
#1: George invites his boss over to his parents’ house to prove that Festivus is a real holiday. What is the name of George’s boss?
After a brief moment, Touche hollered out the correct answer!
A: Mr. Kruger.
Bobby Hurley’s x 9
Then we moseyed to the first level of the garage for…
THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES
There are 180 episodes of Seinfeld. We would do 180 reps of our least favorite exercises:
10 exercises x 18 reps each
The Q kicked things off by saying: “I got a lot of problems with BIG BOY SIT UPS! And now you’re going to hear about it!” Then a brief airing of grievances was made as to why the Q does not like this exercise. Then we did:
BIG BOYS x 18
Ozark has a lot of problems with:
DIAMOND MERKINS x 18 (something about long arms)
Black Jack has a lot of problems with:
Monkey Humpers x 18 IC (apparently the grievance began when Armbar made the PAX do 50 on a bridge once)
Toad Stool has a lot of problems with:
Bonnie Blairs x 18 IC (he reminded us it requires a deep squat)
Tight Lip has a lot of problems with:
Sweat Angels x 18 IC (he didn’t need to know the name of it to dislike it)
Sparty has a lot of problems with:
Crawl Bear (“why can’t we just run?” he says. Why not indeed, Sparty.)
Sandy Cheeks has a lot of problems with
Chicken Peckers x 18 IC (we agreed)
Armbar has a lot of problems with:
Hydraulic Squats (he hates them so much we only did 9 IC)
Stiches has a lot of problems with:
Mahktar N’Djayes x 18 IC (full circle; thought his first time doing this exercise was at Cornhusker)
Good Lookin’ has a lot of problems with:
American Hammers x 18 IC (amazing he comes back since most workouts end with these)
(Note: If I got any of this wrong, then please accept my apologies or feel free to air your grievances!)
Once all the grievances were aired, we did our next trivia question:
Question #2:
#2: Jerry is dating Gwen, who, depending on the lighting, is beautiful or not so much. He therefore comes up with a nickname for her. What is it?
Touche again with the correct answer!
A: Two Face.
Bobby Hurley’s x 9
Then went up to the second level and we counted off by 3s for
THE FESTIVUS MEAL
One member from each group would run to the Festivus pole and do 3 burpees. The rest of the group would perform the following AMRAP exercises until the PAX returned to push the group to the next exercise on the list:
AIR SQUATS
FLUTTER KICKS
MERKINS
SIDE STRADDLE HOPS
ALTERNATING LUNGES
AMERICAN HAMMERS
CAROLINA DRYDOCKS
BOBBY HURLEYS
SUMO SQUATS
LBCs
MAKHTAR NDIAYE’S
ALARM CLOCKS
BURPEES
We made it all the way through the list and at 6:00 a.m. the Q called:
“SERENITY NOW!”
Question #3
#3: In 2013, this State allowed a man to protest the separation of Church and State by allowing a Festivus pole to place in the Capitol building’s rotunda.
The Q dropped a hint that there was a connection between his F3 name and the answer. The crowd roared with the correct answer, but it looked like Armbar was first.
A: Florida.
Festivus Pole in hand, we moseyed back to the shovel flags for…
THE FEATS OF STRENGTH
For TFOS, we would do Duck Jousting; the arena was setup with four cones. The rules were given: Everyone duck walks with their hands behind their back and tries to knock other guys down or out of the arena. No using hands. It’s a battle until the last man is standing.
22 men entered. But there can be only one. The Q went down in a matter of moments. Others had strategies – like Toad Stool. He occupied a corner and stayed out of the fray while the PAX battled it out in the center. As more and more were knocked down or stepped out of bounds, we began to shrink the square. Only the strongest remained. Soon, it was down to three. But with one hook of the leg, Armbar knocked two competitors down and claimed victory in the 2022 Feats of Strength!
The Final moments of the Feats of Strength. (Courtesy of Good Lookin’)
Mosey to shovel flags. Prizes were awarded: For his TWO correct answers, Touche received some Ritz crackers and a certificate showing a donation had been made in his name to the Human Fund. Armbar also was awarded a Twix for his trivia answer and a can of Campbell’s Cream of Chicken Soup for his Feats of Strength. Well done!
6-M-O-M
It was a Festivus Miracle:
No 6 Minutes of Mary!
Name-O-Rama
We had PAX ranging in ages from 18 to 60. This is one of the many things that make F3 Omaha such a special group.
COT: “Stop crying and fight your Father!”
I watched the Festivus episode last night as I do every year. This year I thought about the relationship George has with his father, Frank, the inventor of Festivus:
Frank: Festivus is your heritage, George.
George: That’s why I hate it so much.
Earlier this month, Ozark honored his late father with an awesome beatdown and COT. His message was to spend time with your father while you are still able. This was a difficult message for me to hear because I don’t have a great relationship with my Dad.
But my Dad and I spent some time together recently and had a nice visit. Yesterday, he called me. He told me that he noticed when I got upset during the visit that he saw a little bit of himself in me. He told me he wished he would have been a better father and set a better example for me. He wanted me to know that he was here for me.Then he said, “I love you and I want you to be a great Dad.”
I’m grateful we got to have that conversation. Love you, Dad.
Sparty took us out in prayer.
With Gratitude,
Gator