August 12, 2020//Aldrich Middle School//AO- Top Rope//Approximately 73 degrees//
Pax: Lonestar, Mingus, Wentworth, Kingpin, Tubesocks, Thermo, Mufasa, Spreadsheet, Convoy, Patton, Birdman, Armbar, Short Sale, Hard Hat, Nightcrawler, Toto, Nemo and Tugboat.
Whelp, let me tell you, this beatdown started out as a real doozy for YHC. I woke up early to put together a playlist of pro wrestler theme songs. I even spent about $10 paying to download some new songs that were not in my existing collection. Then, after I finished that, I realized that I could not find my speaker. I went outside to look for it and got scared by a raccoon on my roof. Looked inside the house and still couldn’t find it. Then I realized it would also be helpful to have a flashlight so I could see my cheat sheet. Unfortunately, my house does not have flashlights either. I gave up looking at the last possible minute and still made it to Top Rope at 5:29 by my watch.
Warm O’ Rama• Short mosey to the soccer field.
The Thang: ROYAL RUMBLE
For those who might be unaware, the Royal Rumble is a pay-per-view presented every year by the WWE. It begins with 2 wrestlers in the ring. Rather than trying to pin their opponent or trying to make their opponent submit, each wrestler’s objective is to throw their opponent over the top rope and cause both of their feet to touch the floor outside of the ring. Every 2 minutes, another new pro wrestler will enter the ring. There are a total of 30 participants, and pro wrestlers will continue to enter every 2 minutes. Since wrestlers are also eliminating eachother while new wrestlers are entering, you rarely see 30 people in the ring at once (which is the key differentiator between a “Royal Rumble” and a “Battle Royal”). My goal was to recreate the experience of a Royal Rumble, using 30 exercises modified around some of my favorite current and former professional wrestlers. The plan was to do a cycle of each exercise for 35 seconds to simulate the wrestlers entering the Rumble and then repeat that cyle in a different order for another 35 seconds to simulate the wrestlers being eliminated. On paper, that would represent 35 minutes of exercising with 10 minutes leftover for other stuff. Unfortunately, as you can see below, I did not budget for the amount of time I would spend telling the elaborate backstories and explanations for each move. Here is how it went down:1. Degeneration X SSHs – normal SSH but modified for a crotch chopping motion on the descending stroke.2. Ravishing Rick Rude – Rude Awakening Imperial Walkers – Imperial Walkers with the trademark Rick Rude hip wiggle thrown in.3. Big Show Choke Slams – One arm sun god arm cirlces in cadence, followed by a dramatic simulated chokeslam of an invisible opponent into a Bobbie Hurley. Rinse and repeat. 4. Macho Man Bobbie Hurley Elbow Drops – Bobbie Hurleysin cadence with an axehandle elbow motion at the top instead of a basketball shot.5. Iron Sheik Camel Humpers – Monkey humpers with a front hand lock to simulate the Iron Sheik’s camel clutch.6. [60 seconds in and out] The Rock – People’s Elbow Side Planks – side plank on your elbow.7. Shawn Michaels Sexy Boy Side Lunges – step out sidelunges featuring the Shaw Michaels ring entrance pose.8. Jimmy Snuka Supafly Hand Release Merkins – hand release merkins with a superman full body extension mixed in.9. Undertaker Deadman situps – self explanatory.10. Ric Flair Bonnie Flairs – Bonnie Blairs in cadence, except you stick 2 fingers out as you do them and recreate the classic Ric Flair “styling and profiling” strut walk. Instead of counting out reps after each 1-2-3, you simply yell “WHOOOOOO”.11. Sergeant Slaughter Ranger Merkins – self explanatory.12. Stone Cold Steve Austin Reverse Stone Cold Stunner Turkish Getups – This one was complicated. First you mimic kicking an invisible opponent in the gut. Then you have the option of flipping that opponent the double bird with both middle fingers (I made this optional because I know some people aren’t down with sign language profanities). Then you administer a Stone Cold Stunner to that invisible opponent. When you hit the ground, you perform a Turkish getup to get back to your feet. Rinse and repeat after that. Judging by their giggles, the PAX seemed amused by my sound effects and my enthusiasm for performing my Stunners.13. Lex Luger Torture Rack (Air Squat + Calf Raise/Cherry Picker).14. Tugboat Tidal Wave Splash – Standard Burpees – AMRAP OYO for 35 seconds.15. Drew McIntyre Claymore Kicks – Hairy Rockettes basically – just delivering a big boot to an imaginary opponent.16. Diamond Dallas Paige Diamond Cutter Merkins – Diamond Merkins.17. Nikolai Volkoff Russian Twist Lunges.18. Hornswoggle DX Smurfjacks – Hornswoggle was briefly a member of Degeneration X. Lots of people forget that, but he was. Same as the DX SSH, except in smurf jack position on redbull cadence.19. Yokozuna Sumo Squats – self explanatory.20. John Cena UCSM Shoulder Taps – Alternating shoulder taps, except instead of touching your shoulder you wiggle your hand in front of your face and do the John Cena “You Can’t See Me” taunt that he traditionally administers before performing an Attitude Adjustment on his opponent.21. Vader – Vader Bomb Burpees – Standard burpees with a superman extension at the bottom in order to replicate the full extension achieved by Vader when he would perform Vader Bombs off the top rope. AMRAP OYO for 35 seconds.22. Hulk Hogan Real American Hammers – his theme song was “Real American” by Rick Derringer – so we did “Real American Hammers”.23. Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell Drop Kick – Jumpin’ Jim Brunzelldid the best drop kick of any pro wrestler I have ever seen. That’s why they called him “Jumpin’ Jim”. To simulate his awesome drop kicks, we did a jump tuck and followed that immediately with a gas pumper situp in cadence. Rinse and repeat for 35 seconds. 24. Jake the Snake Copperhead Squats – self explanatory.25. Rock ‘n Roll Express Hot Tag Merkins – This was a tribute to Ricky Morton of mid-80’s superstar tag team “the Rock ‘n Roll Express”. His specialty was getting beaten up in dramatic fashion. He would start out every match and just get beat all to hell all while his tag team partner Robert Gibson was standing in the corner waving his arm around trying to get tagged in. They would tease a near miss on the tag several times but the bad guys would always pull Ricky Morton back to the middle of the ring and continue beating on him. Eventually, Ricky Morton would dramatically crawl on his hands and knees to Robert Gibson and make the tag. At this moment, the crowd would go wild and Robert Gibson would clean house. So we did merkins, but after each merkin we stuck our arm out to simulate Ricky Morton making the hot tag to Robert Gibson.26. Brutus the Barber Beefcake Scissor Kicks – self explanatory.27. Daniel Bryan Running Knee Strike – High Knees for a 1-2-3 sequence in cadence, followed by a jump tuck – this was meant to simulate Daniel Bryan sprinting at his opponent and then hitting them with a high knee strike. 28. Chris Jericho Codebreakers – Big Boy situp with full vertical extension followed by a LBC 1-2-3 sequence in cadence .29. Ultimate Warrior Merkins – Ultimate Warrior was famous for violently shaking the ropes (among other things). To simulate that rope shaking motion, we did 1-2-3 Tempo Merkins IC followed by a 1-2-2 Pickle Pusher IC. After the Merkin we all yelled “Ultimate” and after the Pickle Pusher we all yelled “Warrior”.30. Randy Orton – RKO “FROM OUTTA NOWHERE” – Randy Orton is called “The Viper” and he is famous for hitting his RKO cutter on opponents when they least expect it. To simulate that crucial element of surprise, the PAX held an airsquat until I yelled “RKO OUTTA NOWHERE” at random intervals. Then we all did a jump tuck followed by a simulated RKO back into an air squat.
At this point I explained that we would circle back through all of the exercises in order to eliminate each wrestler from the Royal Rumble. 31. Elimination – Rick Rude – Rude Awakening Imperial Walkers.32. Elimination – Chris Jericho Codebreakers (Big Boy Vertical Extension + LBCs).33. Elimination – Iron Sheik Camel Humpers.
This is the moment when Site Q Roll Bar discretely approached the center of the circle and informed YHC that it was already 6:11. Whoops! 34. VAN VADER THEN ELIMIATED 27 WRESTLERS IN RAPID FASHION AND WAS DECLARED THE WINNER. WE DID VAN VADER SUPERMAN BURPEES AMRAP OYO FOR A MINUTE STRAIGHT AND THEN MOSEYED BACK TO THE SHOVEL FLAGS.
Mary: There was no Mary.
Announcements: Hard Hat is part of a group going to Lincoln next week to do a beatdown with F3 Lincoln. See Hard Hat for more details.
Prayer requests: Prayers for everyone involved in starting school back up.
COT: Appropriately, all of my snafus with timing helped me transition into my COT. Many of my favorite pro wrestlers have retired from pro wrestling and have now become podcasters. I love to listen to these podcasts and on one of them (I forget which one) the host was interviewing Diamond Dallas Paige and they were talking about various pro wrestlers that were incredibly talented and incredibly good at the technical aspects of fake fighting, but somehow never achieved a level of success commensurate with their in-ring talent. Then they talked about other pro wrestlers that become incredibly famous even though they stunk as performers. The host asked DDP whether in retrospect he would rather have had incredible talent or incredible luck. DDP responded that he would have rather had incredible timing – just being in the right place at the right time. Incredible timing is technically a lot like incredible luck, but the difference between incredible timing and incredible luck is that if you have incredible luck that luck will run out eventually and you will be back where you started if not worse off, whereas with incredible timing you can work hard and sustain and even amplify that success even after the luck goes away. DDP knew he wasn’t the most naturally gifted pro wrestler but he was confident enough in his abilities and his willingness to work that he knew that given the right opportunity at the right time he was damn sure going to make the most of it. So just keep working hard and be prepared for those opportunities to present themselves and when they do make sure you make the most of them.
Armbar led us out in prayer.
Sorry again for the timing snafus, but this was incredibly fun for me and thank you all for humoring me. Aye! – Tugboat